That’s a mouthful, huh? To put it more simply- who are you when you aren’t pretending to be someone else? Don’t take offense. I am not trying to imply that you are a phony or somehow an imposter in your own life. I just know that we often play a role, or two or three or more, and who WE are, who YOU are, gets lost on the stage among the characters we create for the world. This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately as I navigate my new path, as I step forward and leap off the ledge and over the precipice into a new journey. Who am I when I’m not trying to be what others need me to be?
The Judgement card in Chris-Anne’s Light Seer’s Tarot perfectly describes what I’m talking about here. In a perfect world, we live exactly as we are. We come to terms with our selves and understand our motivations. We are the divine expression of exactly who we are and who we are meant to be with total transparency- the manifestation of all of our hard work, fully aligned with the purpose for which we were designed. Unfortunately, many of us struggle with living and being exactly as we are. We struggle with purpose and choices. Our relationships define us instead of the other way around. We hide behind our roles, get comfortable if not happy there, and the roles we create become masks. We become so accustomed to wearing these masks that we forget the person who resides behind them. We have lived lives that are not bad- no, not at all- but that have become who and what other people expect of us. We put their expectations above our own and lose sight of who we are- our pure essence, our individuality, our light.
So, who are you? Do you even know anymore? Do you ever feel like you want to jump out of your skin and scream into the sky? I know I have felt that way. I still do, especially when I know that I have become out of step with myself, living in a way that is not in alignment with my soul’s purpose. One of the hard parts about this is that even when we feel this way, we fear the hard work that must be done in order to step outside of the role, and take off the mask. Maybe you fear that there is nothing left of the “real” you. Maybe you fear that who you are isn’t enough and that you must pretend in order to be worthy of love. Maybe you have no idea who and what it is that you want. Maybe you fear taking off the mask and living a life set by your own rules. Maybe it’s time to tackle that fear.
These fears are all legitimate and must be dealt with. I know. I have been there. There are times I conformed to the standards and wishes of others so much that I became a complete shell of who I was, and who I was meant to be. Talk about being sidelined. I thought it was for the greater good of my family. I tried so hard to be what I had convinced myself was “better” and I failed. My kids missed out, for a long time, on the rare and off the wall essence of my nature. I lost my self-confidence. I lost friendships I had treasured because I felt so inferior and beaten down, stupid, ugly. I developed terrible communication habits as I kept everything inside, all my sadness, confusion, anger, and frustration until it built up to such a level of rage that I would errupt, mystifying those closest to me as I lashed out with harsh words and unkind tones.
My stress level was so high at times that I couldn’t hide my misery. I pretended to be happy. I pretended that I was ok. But I wasn’t. I allowed people to disrespect and undermine me, people who should have known better than to do that. I forgot somewhere along the line that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and that those people had no right to influence my life, my relationships, my decisions. I gave up my power and it dimmed my light. But I had to come to that realization myself and take steps to change all of that. I had to rip off the mask and switch paths. I had to remember and relearn that though I am not perfect, I am a created being with a purpose, with a fire that shouldn’t be drowned out but encouraged to grow brighter. I had to surrender to the magic that is me. It’s been a long journey, sometimes painful, but mostly, when I’m not scared out of my wits- worth it in spades. I still don’t know what my future holds but I know exactly who I am and I will never again give that away to anyone. I have put down my mask and laid them to burn in the fire of my passion!
As is typical of me, I can only stress that forgiveness is the key because it allows you to work through the shadowland of Resentment so you can be free to be your best self. Remember, letting go of resentment and forgiveness is all about YOU and no one else. Forgive yourself for losing your sense of purpose and self. Forgive others for the pain they have caused even if it seems impossible to forgive. Accept forgiveness whether from others or from your Creator, or both. There is incredible freedom in forgiveness. I believe you can do it because I have been there and though still a work in progress, it has been worth it to experience this life the way I was meant to- as fully me. As I walk in the roles I choose for myself, I feel a wonderful sense of gratitude that spills out of my inner being and lights my path even when the brambles encroach, darkness falls, and I stumble. I have begun, and continue to do the hard work, good work. I have embraced my essence and I love that I get to share it with all of you!
I’m here to walk with you as you navigate your intentional path to purpose. Check out my self care line, Ritual Intentions, crystal infused herbal salts and oils that can be incorporated into your life as an intentional based self-care routine or as ritual tools depending on your needs. I am also here to coach you as you figure it all out. You aren’t alone! Message me through Facebook @jupiterrisingtarot12 or email me at [email protected].