Ok, universe, ok. I get it. I am willing to admit that part of my stress is my need to be right in SOME form. I absolutely hate being wrong. I don’t know why I’m like that but it has been something I have been actively working on because it doesn’t make having relationships easy. I think that part of the problem, for me at least, stems from being in an environment that left me feelings stupid a lot of the time. When I was a child I went to a Catholic school but it wasn’t long before it was evident that I was academically beyond the school’s ability to provide appropriate education. I surpassed most of my classmates and got made fun of for being different. Because I was “smart,” and not interested in a lot of the things my peers were interested in, I suffered through all kinds of teasing. I wound up adapting by being quiet, knowing my place, and hoping the teachers would stop making open comparisons between my work and that of my classmates. Eventually, I was ignored and left alone, only staying close to the two or three friends I had and keeping more or less to that small friend group. Unfortunately, the hard defensive wall was being steadily built and I developed a strong need to be right.
By the time I hit fourth grade it became obvious that I had to go to a school that could accommodate my potential so I applied and got accepted into a magnet school for kids who were academically advanced. I was nervous and excited to attend this new school because I believed I wouldn’t be different any more. That other kids who were smart like I was would accept me for who I was. Unfortunately, I was also extremely socially awkward and struggled to feel normal in a social environment so I was going into the new school with well hidden social anxiety that would never serve me well. The school I went to from 5th through 12th grade was the best the Philadelphia public school system had to offer and was competitive at the state and national level. It was a great place to be. Unfortunately, my nerves caused me to blunder over and over again and for the first time in my life I wasn’t the smartest person in the room. As advanced as I was in my Catholic elementary school, I was behind in this new school. It turns out that even though I was well beyond most of my classmates in my first school the education was still not as advanced as most of the other public school gifted programs in the area. So, with all of my social quirks and anxiety, I went from being a nerd to an idiot. I wasn’t an idiot but I felt like one. Once again, I found myself at the bottom of the social ladder and I struggled with that until my junior year of high school when I decided to actively stop caring what other people said and did, what they thought of me, and be who I am. I did really well in school. I graduated with barely a 4.0 but my class rank was dead center so you can imagine the level of academic prowess of the upper half of my class. The wall built higher and my need to be right only increased.
Unfortunately, even though I managed to have a terrific friend group, the experiences and people that left me feeling stupid, less than, weird, and not good enough, left me with a deep need to be right about many, many things. Don’t get me wrong- my thoughts and opinions we my own, well developed and often diametrically different from my peers but because they were so condescending and mean I learned that I had to be the same way in order to heard. I became combative but not nearly articulate enough to express myself because of my social awkwardness and emotional responses. My well researched opinions, based on facts, valid and formed at a high level of evaluation and analysis was discounted because socially, I just couldn’t get it right. My defensive wall was high, hard, and strong for a very long time and is still not completely knocked down. So I get it if you struggle with this. You’re NOT alone.
Do I still have a need to be right? I guess so. But self reflection and hard core shadow work has helped me see that being the smartest person in the room, being right in the loudest, most passionate way, just doesn’t matter. Not really. What matters is the relationships that can or cannot evolve and grow based on conflict that can or cannot be resolved in a caring, loving manner. I can be right but not rigid, defensive or offensive. That can feel scary because rigidity and being unbending is, the way I used to see things, an exhibition of strength against an enemy. I have learned that it is ok to listen, to not agree and to smile and let the conversation flow in the name of love, peace, and harmony. I no longer need to be right within the context of my relationships. But like, literally? That is a recent development! Haha!
Releasing the need to always be right is an exercise in personal growth that may not come easy. In fact, the process of release and surrender is usually difficult and often painful because we are really letting go of all the little hurts and attacks that have built a hard, tough wall of protection around our hearts for so long. It is hard to take that defensive wall down. Fortunately, it only takes one step at a time to get there. One brick at a time to deconstruct years of pain so that we are free to be happy and have healthy relationships despite our differences. Suddenly, being right becomes far less important. You can take that first step anytime. Heck, because social media is such a hotbed of nonsense, you can start there. Next time you come across a post you don’t agree with, no matter what it is, just scroll past it. Believe it or not, because of how we have become hardwired to social media group think, we often respond in ways we never would in person. Scroll on by…. I bet that’s a lot harder for you than you realized especially if you resonate with the need to be right.
If you struggle in person, as many of us do, you can do the same thing. When, during the course of a conversation, you find yourself with a strong opposing opinion and in dire need to express it, take a moment and reflect on what you want to say and how you want to say it. Are your words and tone of voice going to encourage positive discourse and the exchange of new ideas or will they cause anger, frustration, and continued misunderstanding, turning family, friends, or potential friends into enemies? Will your words alienate someone or will they bring you closer together even if there is disagreement?These are all important things to think about as we navigate the minefield of interpersonal communication in the modern era. It’s ok to walk away in peace. Let other people say their piece and be ok with that. In the long run, does it really matter that much to you? Only you can discern that for yourself.
Just remember this- we are all human and our experiences, education, environment, and bio-chemistry all influence us in ways we rarely think about. Because of that, my advice is this- instead of being right, maybe try being quiet instead, smiling instead of speaking. Even when it is painful to do so it is so worth it especially in most of the social situations we find ourselves in today.
Hang in there, people. You’re not alone. We all along for the same ride….