Letting my fear get the best of me.

Oh, boy. Here I go again. I’m full of self-doubt. Shopping on Amazon (don’t worry, not over the top but more than I should), defeating myself again as I allow small inadequacies control how I view myself and my future. If you don’t know already, I am in a life coaching certification course. I decided to follow a coaching certification instead of a licensing path for counseling even though I have a counseling master’s degree. I love the idea of accountability, intention setting, and helping people navigate their goals based on where they are right now. What I find I am NOT that great at is managing my “fixer,” which is my desire to fix things for everyone, and this is coming across in my peer coaching practices. I keep somehow jumping ahead of the process and NOT doing what I am supposed to be doing in my peer coaching sessions. I hate to admit it but this has been a blow to my ego because I absolutely hate not being good at something right off the bat. I am surprised at how challenging it has been for me to find my flow within the parameters of the life coaching course. I have been coaching people in one way or another for many, many years but never like this. My gremlins are crawling out of the shadows in my mind, kicking up their negative influence as they dance around my brain singing “am I really up to this challenge? What makes me think I can be good at this? Who do I think I am? I’m never going to be good enough.” So here I am, full of self-doubt and wondering whatever made me think I could do this in the first place.

So, as I do whenever I begin to feel this way and need a swift kick in the ass, I pulled a few cards to help me refocus. I just picked up the Light Seer’s deck because it resonated with me and has a very real life quality to it that a lot of decks don’t have. I chose the inverted 5 of Pentacles, the 4 of Pentacles, and the inverted Strength. I love using the guidebook for these unique decks because they are so intuitively designed by their creator that I know their guidance will have potent meaning for me. And of course, they were exactly on point and I need to square my shit away and pay attention.

The first two words about the first card, the inverted 5 of Pentacles, accosted me and shocked me because I never considered them before as relative to my state of mind. “Scarcity mindset.” Whoa. “Feeling Helpless.” “Victimhood.” Oh, snap. I’m no victim but I sure am acting like one. It gets worse. “Inability to move ahead.” “Fear and Isolation.” But wait! There’s MORE! “Resistance to positivity,” and finally, “feelings of low self-worth that keep you from participating in prosperity.” (Chris-Anne, 2019) Ok. Yeah, check, check, check, check, check, check annnnnndddd, CHECK! Basically, yes. All of this. And this is just the first card. However, I am reminded that this mindset is ultimately a choice and ultimately I can choose to wallow in it or rise above it. This card is calling me on my bullshit and telling me that I am in control of these feelings of inadequacy. I can be a wimp and give up and feel like a loser all I want- if I want to lose everything and actually be a loser. I don’t want that. But I’m feeling kind of weak and I needed to see it all laid out in front of me. Reading these things about your state of mind helps to clear out the cobwebs…. I felt a little better when I realized that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but only if I seek it out.

The second card I pulled is the 4 of Pentacles, upright and beautiful. THIS is the Erin I am, the one I always want to be, the one who wants to slap silly the Erin who is keeping herself from participating in prosperity. Yeah, girl. This is the REAL me. SHE is “stable, successful, generous, ACCEPTING OF HER WORTH, being in the flow of the Universe,” (Chris-Anne, 2019) THIS Erin is so successful and worthy that she has more than she needs and shares that goodness with everyone else. This is the Erin that doesn’t make excuses and quits spending money on things she doesn’t really need so that she can be forward thinking, investing in her business and her future. If I navigate my ass to the light at the end of the tunnel, well, this is the Erin I will be. I know I’m part of the way there I just have to stop with my self defeating tendencies and stop the gremlin feeding frenzy! Understood. Challenge accepted.

The third card, though, is the inverted Strength. This references my weakness which includes being blocked by fear and self doubt, and a call to avoid giving in to my self destructive impulses (Chris-Anne, 2019). I come at this vision I have for the future with a pure heart and relentless love- I just want to serve. I want to help people because I have been helped over the years by so many. This card is reminding me that I have a light and that I need to shine it for others. I need to be brave so that others can find courage. I need to be patient with myself and accept that I, that all of THIS, is a work in progress and that it is entirely OK to need to keep studying, learning, trying, and NOT know how to do it all RIGHT NOW. I have so much to give. To quit on myself is to quit on everything. How can I help anyone help themselves if I’m not willing to overcome my own blocks and fears? Again, this card is a reminder that my self-doubt is a terrible weakness that will not help me or anyone else. It will only hold me back from my true purpose. The gremlins in my head will win and I will be exactly where I am right now and no closer to my dreams, my goals, the manifestion of all my passion and hard work. I need to find my power and reclaim it like the warrior I AM.

So what if I am struggling with this class? I understand what to do, I just need to do it. I need to practice it until I get it right so I can get my certification. I need to forgive myself for my perceived failures and I need to PATIENT with myself as I learn. In time, I will figure out how to integrate this magical work I already do into this practical work I am learning how to navigate. I can do it. I know I can.

Are you struggling with your gremlins right now? (There is this GREAT book recommended by my friend AND by the Life Purpose Institute called Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Way for Getting Out of Your Own Way by Richard Davis Carson. I HIGHLY recommend it to EVERYONE! )

Are you letting self doubt cloud your judgement? I got you. I’ve been there before and I have clearly gone there again. I have no problem wading with you through this swamp til we BOTH get to the other side. This deck is pretty awesome if you want your own! You can find it at Amazon or through the website linked in the in text citations above.

You’re not alone. I’m right there with you. Reach out for a reading or if you want to be a practice coaching client as I navigate this class through the Life Purpose Institute. Find me on Facebook or email me at [email protected].